UPDATE // THE ONE WHERE I'M REFLECTING, OR: "CONVERSATIONS WITH THE UNIVERSE"
Jeeeez, it’s been a while hasn’t it? Way too long! I’ve missed writing and by now probably everyone who clicked my „link in bio“ has been utterly disappointed by the non-existent content, haha! Anyhow, those times are over and I’m back on track, Baby! Let me just give you a quick recap of why I’ve been absent for so long and what lead me to write an article titled „Conversations with the Universe“ (and if you haven’t run screaming by now, kudos to you, I hope you enjoy the rest of this soul striptease. HA!)
So without further ado, let’s get to it: I got dumped. Precisely 2 months and 25 days ago (yes, I had to look that up), the man I thought I was gonna move in with told me „yeeeah I’m just not as into you as I thought, so…BYEEEEE“ (Why do I always get the baby-boys with commitment issues you ask? Who knows).Whoops. Hard blow. Straight in my face, dagger through the heart, I was devastated. However, since I (in that moment) had no one else to pour all my love on anymore, I decided to give all that love to myself. I’d deprived myself of it for many years now, wasting it on the wrong people and let me tell you, my mind and body soaked it up like a sponge. I’d been wanting to change, break that pattern for ages, but never quite got my ass up the wall to do so. Well, sometimes it takes a kick in the behind, and that kick I got.
So, what’ve I been up to you’re asking? Well, the first two weeks (after the „unfortunate incident“) I spent eating nothing, then stuffing my face with pizza and pasta and red wine (for a little realness over here) and then decided that this isn’t getting me anywhere. I’ve always been an avid believer that if a person can only master up the willpower and guts to change themselves, they can. So instead of dragging others out of the hole they’d dug themselves, for a change, I did just that for me. I knew I wasn’t gonna make it on my own so I got myself a whole army of helplings, NAMELY:
Meditation. As cheesy as it sounds, it helps you calm your own mind. The noise disappears and you’re left with just yourself. If you ever wanna be able to make fully conscious decisions out of your gut, NOT based on fear of experiences you’ve made over the past, you need to learn to control your subconscious. Most of the time humans act out of patterns of fear / doubt that they’ve accumulated over the years and aren’t even aware of it!
Got myself a therapist (or life-coach, or brain-healer, or heart-mender, whatever you like to call them). I was aware of certain anger issues that resulted from massive self-doubt and absolutely non-existent inner peace and negatively affected my inter-human relationships on a huge scale. So if available, why not get yourself a little professional help? She basically told me all the things I already knew, but it’s always a little easier to stay on track if there’s someone keeping track of your daily improvements. So even if you’re not aware of any severe, mental issues: Get yourself a therapist. It doesn’t mean you’re crazy (even if, who cares) but that you take good care of your mind and soul. And who knows, maybe your subconscious has been hiding things from you while you were busy wondering what’s wrong? It can be a sneaky little rascal!
Social media detox. I wasn’t gonna be on Instagram or any other platform until I had massively improved and re-organised my behaviour on said channels. Mainly Instagram was also a reason for the self-consciousness and frustration I’d felt. So I went on a six-week hiatus and came back surprisingly refreshed.
Started Journaling!! Wheeeee! No fancy-pants, self-made gorgeous journal. Just a beautiful leather notebook in which I write everyday the things that I’m grateful for. Doesn’t have to be anything biiiig or massive, it can be repetitive, but there’s always something to be grateful for. And even if it’s just the tasty cheese in your fridge (believe it or not, on some of my lowest days, good food would be the thing I was most grateful for. And while it may sound funny, in some parts of the world that wouldn’t be written inside of a gratitude journal.). I also write down my daily and long-term intentions / goals. Always keeping my eyes on the prize - inner peace and serenity and the firm believe that I can do whatever I set my mind to.
And anyone who’s been going through big, personal transformation, purely fed by immense willpower and the wish for a better life (in terms of mental health / health in general) knows HOW FRICKIN’ HARD THAT SHIT IS! Like, seriously, especially in the beginning, you’re in danger of cracking any second. No wonder there’s so many people out there who just break off their therapy / treatments, because they feel like they’re losing a battle against themselves. But hey: you push through that, you can push through anything. The one big big rule (and that’s where a shrink comes in handy): Identify your toxic patterns, notice when you’re falling back into one, and do the exact opposite of what you’d normally do. Again - it’s hard. And I, too, didn’t do it every time, all the time, especially in the beginning. But the fight and what comes after was worth it. After almost 3 months of hard work (bad news: if you wanna be the best version of yourself, you’ll always have to be working on yourself, transforming, cutting out toxic behaviour), blood, sweat and tears; I can say I’m in the clear. I’m definitely not perfect and there’s still a lot to be done, but: Me and myself, we like each other now. We’re getting along and are finally a team. Never would I ever consciously talk bad to, or about myself ever again. And if I do catch myself in the process of doing so, I stop myself immediately. Affirmations à la „I love you. You’re enough and perfect just the way you are.“ have helped immensely. Don’t get me wrong, constructive criticism and a healthy reflection of your behaviour is perfectly fine. Just no more negative self-talk. It doesn’t get you anywhere but down. So, what is the result of all that transformative magic I’ve been working and why would I mention the Universe? Well….I FINALLY GOT MY LETTER TO HOGWARTS!!! Just kidding. I didn’t (but I’ll never stop believing).
Jokes aside, I’ve always been a firm believer in the energies inside and around us and that whatever you believe you deserve, and that whatever you give out comes back to you multiplied. Whenever I tried doing shitty, sneaky things I failed gloriously ( HOW do politicians DO it?!). Whenever I was acting with a pure heart and honesty (but was convinced it wouldn’t work out) I got more than I’d bargained for. Whatever is out there -in my case energies, The Universe- is listening. And Ladies and Gents, it speaks only the language of emotions. Whatever you firmly believe (even if it’s fear) you speak into existence, at some point in your life. Your thoughts create. Alas, some things I’ve taken away from all this hard work that turned crap into gold:
Love yourself, 100% abundantly. No doubts and no negative self-talk à la „I’ll never make it anyway“ „This isn’t possible for me“ „I’m not good enough“ or the worst: „I hate a, b, or c about myself“. Look into the mirror, tell your body, mind and soul that you love them (even if it’s not quite the case yet) and you’ll see a positive transformation. You learn to listen to your body and its needs, you become one with yourself. Reflect on your thoughts and behaviour, take responsibility for your actions and the only criticism you can give yourself is the constructive kind.
Be a dreamer. But don’t be a delusionist. What you can dream, you can do - if you’re ready to put in the work! Don’t tell yourself something’s not meant to be just because it’s not exactly the way you expected it to be (yet), or because you gotta put in more effort than you planned on in your imaginary dream-world. Things will fall into place if you listen closely to your intuition (not your fear/doubt. don’t confuse those). Your intuition will give you a positive, good feeling of „Yes girl (or boy)!!! Fight for this shit!!“. Don’t run away and chase one dream after another in the hopes of having it easy. I like to call it the Universe’s way of checking if you’re worthy of your dream. If something’s not quite working for some reason - reflect. Think deeply about what might’ve gone wrong on the matter and take inspired action fueled by your intuition, to change it for the better. Don’t ever, ever run.
Don’t be a show-off optimist. There’s no use in pretending, showing the world a positive image if you don’t truly, truly believe it, deep down. Rather, show what’s really going on, work on yourself (self-work is always the hardest, I know Dear. But you can, if you just want to! Anything else is just an excuse made out of laziness and fear). Take care of your mind and heart and don’t judge others (unless they’re Putin, or Trump) based on their decisions / actions. The happiest people I know are those who constantly try to improve themselves, help others out with constructive criticism (god, I love that one, huh), but never try to instill doubt or negativity within them. That just shows what’s going on inside yourself.
And now the most difficult part: Forgive and let go. Not just others for what they’ve done to you, but also yourself. For all the times you’ve put yourself down, all the times you’ve hated yourself. I realised that the kind of true inner peace and serenity I desired, only came once I let go of the hurt, and anger of the past which I couldn’t change any longer, anyway. What you can change, is your present though, and therefore - your future.
And now for those who got a wee bit scared by all the wisdom on here: Don’t worry y’all, I’m still knee-deep into the two F’s: Fashion and Food. However, during the above-mentioned process I’ve realised I wasn’t fully myself. I’ve always wanted my Blog and Instagram to have more „purpose“. I want to leave the world a better place, spread joy, happiness and be kind as much as I can. So I’ve decided to 1. Go way more into the direction of slow-fashion. That’s right. I’m still on a student budget so I’ve allowed myself to buy from fast fashion brands if I’m COMPLETELY in love with a piece and know I’ll wear the heck out of it. The rest will be VINTAGE and sustainable as much as possible. And 2. offer some more self-care advice on here and over on ye olde Insta. I’ve been through quite a lot, and I know there’s people out there who struggle with similar things, so I want this to be a platform of love, kindness and advice, where people can talk openly about whatever they struggle with.
So be kind peopleses of the Universe. To yourself and others. I really, truly do hope you’ve enjoyed this piece of the divine corner of my mind and if you did, please don’t hesitate to leave your thoughts in a comment, share this article and give it a thumbs up!! (is that even possible here or just something Youtubers’ say?)
Anyway, you guys and gals be good, and hope to see you here again soon!!